The weighing of compliments

The other day, a co-worker named E, a fellow writer and a brother of the grape, said I had writing talent. Coming from a professional screen writer and producer, someone who has produced a film, written over a dozen screen plays, was a really nice thing to hear. I said thanks. This compliment made me reflect on how society and I, receive and give these poo tokens of appreciation. Both Yanne and Kelly have given me compliments about some of my posts here. (Thank you guys, again. I press my hands in front of me, humbled like the Buddha himself, to form a prayer of thanks). So, what's the poo about? Aren't all compliments good, Palmer?

In our society, they are given--few and far between-- like the number of life preservers available to passengers on a sinking boat. So, in general, I am somewhat suspicious when I receive them and probably they're received with the same sort of incredulous blankness when I give them.

Can’t we just relax?

When compliments are given from people who are held in high regard in an area of expertise, then they're "true" compliments. Like Jimi Hendrix telling Eric Clapton he plays well. Like Bob Marley telling Tommy Chong that his stash went up in smoke. Do you notice the implicit hierarchies?

When they come from mere acquaintances, like your dorky co-worker, you know, the guy who microwaves left over fish every day, they are received as brown-nosing, noise or flirting. I think our culture trains us to be suspicious of compliments. Maybe it’s from our pilgrim origins of self-reliance and independence and our Max Weber-ian Protestant Work Ethic which we self-deprecate when faced with a public display of complimentary poo. I have no idea what the hell that means, but WTF. Besides, our ears, are highly tune to bull shit--because our society generates so much of it—and this critical filter is so sensitive that even, non-agenda, heartfelt and genuine compliments are wiped away like poo on paper.

I think you can never take a compliment from coworkers. There are always hidden agendas. Especially those who occupy a lateral payroll title like you, in the corporate hierarchy. Their compliments always come off as disingenuous especially if you don’t like them. If the person telling you was a hot chick, then it would be flirtatious. If the person talking to you said your talk with the Dean was thoughtful, then he or she is seeking more information from you. With compliments, it is always better to receive them from your boss—someone above you in the corporate tree—it doesn’t work the other way.

Compliments from friends and significant others, however, and unfortunately, cannot be as highly valued as the disinterested employer simply because, in our culture, they are from people who have an emotional bond and will have a hard time being objective. Name me one employer who would take a letter of reference from your mom? Of course we love compliments from our friends and loved ones. But we don’t have the same vestment as we seek from our peers.

Strangers and those who know your work ethic have no emotional commitment or attachment and offer the most accurate compliments. These are the people who are supposed to know the bottom line of your strengths and weaknesses and reward you accordingly. As a society we are really jaded about compliments. Would the building custodian really know about that Excel spreadsheet you created which was used in the final quarterly report?

When you're a super star bball player, for example, people love you and your talents, so compliments fly like poo from the proverbial fan. After hearing them a lot, they lose meaning. But in the hierarchy of life, a compliment coming from Michael Jordan, a hall of famer, as opposed to that spasmodic dude you see on the bball court, carries more weight and credence.

So thank you all for the compliments. They are not poo to me.