The Girl Scouts clogged my toilet!

Months have passed since our December “Holiday” parties which are thinly disguised Christmas events made politically correct, when we celebrate other cultures while wearing traditional green and red, saying to each other: “Happy Holidays.” To them I reply: Happy Jesus Hanukah Kwanzaa Fucking Christmas!

Anyways, our office workers have thankfully thinned out since the departing gifts of See’s chocolates and home-made baked yummies. Americans get so big and fat each December thanks to the extreme amount of cookies and sweets we shove into our pie holes. Just when you think you’ve finally lost those ten extra holiday pounds, and your new diet and exercise regime has toned your fat asses, we get assaulted by cute little girls pushing their product: Girl Scout Cookies. Yes, yes, yes… those addictive cookies are available on street corners for $4.00 a box. I love their Thin Mints! I eat them alone, and don’t like to share. Don't you dare take a Thin Mint cookie! I got some video cams on them too. Can't you see me hiding in the kitchen? In the dark, my girl friend calling out my name and me, making rat like sounds eating Thin Mints? They’re like crack to me! I don’t know what they put in those cookies, but when I run out, I rob and maim innocents just to get my Thin Mint fix. And why do they call them Thin Mints? I eat boxes of them! Watch out Fatsos!!

Last week a dozen little brownies set-up a big cookie sale on my corner. Late in the day those drug pushers, after “getting high on their supply,” asked to use my bathroom. Those little girls jammed my toilet bowl with their prolific poo! Would you expect anything else from eating cookies all day? They must have used 12 rolls of 2-ply toilet paper and 36 of those moist babies wipes to clean their anuses. Or is it “ani?” You know, multiple anus-es? Jesus. My bathroom paint cracked and peeled and my nose hair fell out!

Well, to be fair and honest, I made the story up. I clogged the toilet. I blame the girl scouts though. I tell you all that I am not ashamed of eating one Thin Mint cookie column without milk the night before. It took me two minutes. I couldn’t stop eating the thin mints. The next day, I had a prolific poo of gargantuan size and output. I think I lost like four pounds of excrement. I sat on the porcelain throne for 25 minutes squeezing out those thin mints. Jesus. My eyes went "chinese" and shit. Who would of thought that those cool mint cookies would burn? I must have passed out from exhaustion because I blanked on “courtesy flushing.” And we didn’t have a plunger either!

I flushed like a mad man, but those half dollar size poo nuggets would sink to the bottom like a dead surfer and clog the exit. Luckily, there was a long, plastic tube, the kind that attaches to those snap-on style plastic roll-away carts you can buy at Ikea. I used the tube and churned my poo into butter until it was flotsam. Another flush or two I said good bye to two dozen cookies!

Like the French who turned their backs on their Jews during WWII, never again will I eat copious amounts of Thin Mints. No, never again will I succumb to egregious amounts of Thin Mint cookies in one sitting. Never again...until next March when those little cookie Fuhrer's return! Heil to the Girl Scouts!