Snot Shields

I remember my grandfather sitting on the black, vinyl recliner in my dining room, reading his Newsday newspaper, the TV on, spewing the news for many hot New York Sunday afternoons. I think all of us have those grandfatherely memories like some sort of sick Matrix memory installed from the evil bots. My grandfather is not alive these days because of the Matrix.

He was old then, his hair grey and his ears, large and bent. Why is it that old white men get huge ears when they grow older? Our noses too! During those hot summer afternoons when he sat and read for hours, he would pick his nose. Maybe he thought I couldn't see him behind the newspaper? Now, as a 40 year man, I too pick my nose. I do this in private. We all do, right? But what is it about getting older that we pick our noses more and more? For me, it's an inverse relationship between that and farting. I actually fart less but I have no one to vouch for that except me and would you trust a nice nose picker like me? If you fart a lot, then, the law states, you don't pick you nose that often. Please observe your farting and nose picking habits, kind reader and you'll see why this is a law!

In New York, when the summer is hot and you feel like you're in a pizza oven, you breathe in lots of dirty, humid air. As a result, you get these enormous Snot Shields. They must be one inch in diameter!! You could defend your family with these green sticky shields. En garde you evil bots!

In Los Angeles, it's rare to have such girth and weight to your snot but on occasion, you can pull one out, full of nose hair like one of those rubber cement balls you made as a kid--and dropped on the floor--picking up dust and dirt.

These days my hair line is receding making my face look long and oval like a horse. As the law of inverse relationship states, when your hair recedes your nose hair grows...my nose hairs are getting longer! Sometimes those Snot Shields grab nose hairs! They're like sharp swords! En garde you evil bots.

I really wished that my grandfather shared with me the secrets of snot. All those Sundays he sat and read, picking away at his bulbous nose, when he could have been instructing me on Snot Shields.

Summer is approaching fast and that means snot. So, when you're reading the Sunday paper on a hot, summer afternoon, and you're lazily digging for gold, pick up the phone and call your grandfather and ask him. Be sure to tell him that you love him and ask him about his fights against the evil bots.